The engine-shed notes of Useless

Newcomen had to wait ten years and team up with a plumber to get his engine working. I have been waiting for a plumber since Tuesday. Same energy. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Thomas Newcomen

Trevithick’s schoolmaster called him “disobedient, slow and obstinate”. I have been called all three by a pencil. I took it as a compliment. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Richard Trevithick

Watt’s engines burned two-thirds less coal than Newcomen’s. I get a third smaller every exam season. We are both very efficient. Science Museum blog: James Watt and the separate condenser

One horsepower is 33,000 foot-pounds of work a minute. I did one foot-pound of work this morning. I’m having a lie down. Encyclopaedia Britannica: horsepower

Hero of Alexandria built a spinning steam ball and used it to amuse visitors. I also spin when amused. Mostly off the edge of a desk. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Heron of Alexandria

Spin a flywheel twice as fast and it stores four times the energy. Spin me twice as fast and I store four times the dizziness. Encyclopaedia Britannica: flywheel

Rocket hit 36 mph for a short stretch in 1829. My top speed is “flicked across a classroom”. Nobody has measured it. Everybody has felt it. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Rocket

Watt called his parallel motion “one of the most ingenious, simple pieces of mechanism I have contrived”. I say the same about myself, mostly to the sharpener. Encyclopaedia Britannica: James Watt

George Stephenson learned to mend shoes and fix clocks for extra money. I learned to rub out shoe prints. The market is small. Encyclopaedia Britannica: George Stephenson

A centrifugal governor stops an engine running too fast. I would like one fitted to whoever keeps borrowing me in maths. Encyclopaedia Britannica: James Watt

Papin invented a pressure cooker in 1679 and then never built his own engine. Big ideas, no follow-through. I relate. I am half a drawing of a horse. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Denis Papin

Puffing Billy is the oldest steam locomotive still around. I am the oldest eraser in the pencil case. We should hang out. Mind the coal dust, though. Science Museum blog: Steam train in Kensington Gardens

Savery also invented an odometer to measure how far ships sailed. I measure how far I’ve gone by how much of me is left. Currently: 61%. Encyclopaedia Britannica: Thomas Savery

Boulton and Watt’s partnership lasted 25 years. My longest partnership was with a pencil called Kevin. Four days. He was sharpened away. Encyclopaedia Britannica: James Watt